The month of November marks the beginning of another National Family Caregivers Month in the United States. You may wonder what a family caregiver IS and why anyone would set aside an entire month to recognize them. You may not even realize that this month is set aside to celebrate YOU. Neglecting caregiver self-care can prove deadly, so follow along this month as we explore ways to take care of yourself during your caregiving seasons.
Are YOU a Family Caregiver?
Even if you don’t see yourself as a caregiver, stick around, because chances are, at some point in your life, you’ll end up caring for a family member in addition to all that you already do. Maybe this definition will help you understand a bit more about family caregivers.
A family caregiver receives no pay or compensation for assisting and caring for a family member (or friend) during a medical crisis or throughout a long-term illness.
For example, if you care for a spouse who has dementia, that makes you a family caregiver. If you care for a child with a life-threatening disease, that makes you a caregiver. Maybe you and your siblings share the responsibilities of financial management for your elderly parents—that makes you a caregiver. Perhaps you have a friend who has no family members close by who needs weekly rides to doctor’s appointments or the grocery store—that makes you a family caregiver.
A family caregiver provides care beyond the regular care that family members give each other. In my two caregiver seasons, I wore the following hats: nurse (giving injections and supervising complicated medicine routines); advocate (fighting with insurance agencies and arranging professional care); companion (countless UNO games while my husband recovered); coach (helping my daughter and husband as they transitioned to caring for themselves); cook (preparing meals that met the dietary requirements of the hospital); security guard (making sure visitors followed proper procedures for visiting a neutropenic patient), family CFO, and travel agent.
I’ve probably forgotten some of the roles I played. But I did all of these things while holding down a full-time job and caring for other family members.
What Happens When Caregivers Neglect Self-Care?
Notice that I don’t mention caring for myself. Therein lies the problem for those who take on a family caregiving role. Depending on the needs of the one(s) you care for, you may discover that you neglect caring for yourself. Unfortunately, this leads to more serious problems.
During my first caregiving season, my husband had a catastrophic case of cancer (rare with a median survival rate of 2 to 6.5 months once diagnosed) that required treatment in a hospital a thousand miles from home. I taught full time, traveled to be with him every time he had a crisis or a major procedure, and tried to hold everything together for our two young daughters. My parents moved in to help, and my dad subbed for me each time I had to leave.
It took Pedro about a year to regain his health and strength after cancer.
I often joke that it took me ten years to recover from his cancer. I suffered from depression, weight gain, and a host of other stress-related physical symptoms—and I had no idea that any of it had anything to do with caregiving.
According an article on the Family Caregiver Alliance’s webpage, unpaid family caregivers are at a higher risk of depression. In fact, FCA reports that “between 40 to 70% of caregivers have clinically significant symptoms of depression, with approximately one-quarter to one-half of these caregivers meeting the diagnostic criteria for major depression.”
Other reported symptoms include anxiety, high levels of frustration, loss of verbal IQ, and short-term memory problems (I called these symptoms ‘chemo-brain by proxy’). Bottom line? When caregivers neglect self-care, they put their own health at risk.
Caregiver Self-Care Includes Counseling
I remember crying through (the ugly, snot-cry kind of cry) the book The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch. Pedro had survived his autologous stem-cell transplant, returned home, and spent a school year homeschooling our girls. Someone thought I might enjoy the book, because it was about cancer. (I don’t understand that logic, but that’s another topic).
Randy Pausch didn’t survive his bout with cancer, but with the help of grief counselors (for him and his family), he managed to live his last months of life on his own joyful terms. I remember tossing the book down in disgust and wailing, “Why didn’t anyone suggest counseling for us?”
Our local hospital had one oncologist (who had never treated Pedro’s type of rare cancer before), no cancer support groups, and no one cognizant of the fact that family members and cancer patients could really benefit from additional support. The hospital chaplain (a friend of ours) visited when she could, and her prayer group and church helped us out financially a time or two.
Once Pedro transferred to San Francisco, a transplant counselor met with us once, but she didn’t even have the right information about what kind of transplant Pedro would receive. When she started asking him how he felt about having someone else’s stem cells in his body, I gently stopped her and informed her that they would use his own cells. She had to call someone to verify.
The one hospital chaplain’s visit left Pedro and I in stitches (and shaking our heads at the absurdity of the visit).
Coping vs. Counseling
Because I didn’t have anyone to guide me through the caregiving season (and no previous experience), I picked up all kinds of bad coping habits: Eating, bidding on e-Bay, eating, feeling sorry for myself, eating, and did I mention eating?
A few people would ask, “How are YOU doing?”
“Great!” I’d reply. After all, I had so much to feel grateful for. Our kids were safe with my parents, Pedro hadn’t died, and Visa approved a new credit card so I could keep up with the expenses.
By hyper-focusing on Pedro’s needs and condition, I managed to avoid (or so I thought) stress. But I really needed support from a counselor to help me work through my angst honestly. I needed to have a safe place to break down and admit how Pedro’s illness impacted me. Our children should have had counseling as well.
If you’re going through a caregiving season, find a counselor (or at the least a support group moderated by a counselor).
Develop a Self-Care Mindset (BEFORE You Become a Caregiver)
Many people neglect forming healthy self-care routines, which can lead to burn-out, stress, and other health problems. Get over the idea that self-care equals self-indulgence (it doesn’t). Self-care simply means that you recognize that you have mental, academic and artistic, physical, and spiritual needs that replenish your supply of you.Get over the idea that self-care equals self-indulgence--it doesn't! Learn how to take care of your self so that you have fuel to take care of others. #caregiver #selfcare Click To Tweet
Think of it as visiting a gas station and fueling up. If you don’t put fuel in your car, it will stop running. When you mindfully meet your needs for mental, academic and artistic, physical, and spiritual wholeness, you will have the fuel it takes to meet the challenges in your life.
If you make a habit of practicing healthy self-care before a crisis arises, you’ll find it easier to navigate the crisis. You’ll have reserves for dealing with disaster and a plan in place for continuing self-care. But if you’ve never practiced self-care and find yourself caring for a family member, it’s not too late to start.
You can sign up for the caregiver self-care challenge here. You’ll receive five emails that coach you through easy, actionable steps that take five minutes a day and help refuel you so that you have what it takes to care for a family member.
Inspire Me Monday Instructions
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This is all just so VERY true!
(And I’m so excited for you that Susan is headed YOUR WAY!)
Michele Morin recently posted…How to Be a “True Christian” Mother-in-Law
We had a wonderful visit and it was so much fun to meet her IRL!
Anita Ojeda recently posted…Unfiltered Words Wound Worse than Swords
Caregivers are the most underrated, selfless people around. Bless you for all you did during your husband’s illness! It is so important for the caregiver to take care of him/herself too!
Laurie recently posted…Dona Novis Pacem -The Power of Words
My hope is that those who are NOT in a caregiving season learn to recognize signs of drowning in those who ARE in a caregiving season.
Anita Ojeda recently posted…This Vegetarian Pozole Recipe will Serve an Entire Fiesta
Anita, this is so good! When I cared for my mother-in-law and later my mom, I really didn’t think about self care, because I was focused on helping them. The same could be said when my children were growing up, because that is really a caregiver role, too. And now with one of my sons in a wheelchair, I have to do a lot for him, too. But thanks to you and others, I am learning the importance of caring for myself and it makes all the difference. Blessings to you! xo
Parenting (especially young ones) is absolutely a caregiver role. Praying that your son makes progress in his healing and that you take care of yourself during this season!
Anita Ojeda recently posted…Unfiltered Words Wound Worse than Swords
Thanks for sharing your wisdom and experiences, Anita! I like your point that it helps to have good self-care habits and boundaries in place before a crisis arises.
It’s so true that what is in place before disaster strikes is easier to maintain during the hard times.
Anita Ojeda recently posted…Instant Pot Vegan Chili con Carne Recipe Uses Faux Meat
It’s true that you can’t pour from empty vessels. Thanks for this reminder, Anita. Blessings to you.
Boma recently posted…Family matters
Thank you, Boma!
Anita Ojeda recently posted…Celebrate with Whole-Wheat Brownies!
Anita – My favorite part of your post was, “Get over the idea that self-care equals self-indulgence (it doesn’t). Self-care simply means that you recognize that you have mental, academic and artistic, physical, and spiritual needs that replenish your supply of you.”
I will be sharing this post. Thank you for the reminder we matter too.
Maree Dee recently posted…How to Be Christlike When Hated – Grace & Truth Link-Up
Thank you for sharing!
Anita Ojeda recently posted…Unfiltered Words Wound Worse than Swords
[…] with Inspire Me Monday, Literary Musing […]
No one can share these things like someone who has been there. Thank you for sharing from your experiences to help others.
Barbara Harper recently posted…Don’t Plug In: Abide
And thank you for stopping by and faithfully linking up each week, Barbara!
Anita Ojeda recently posted…Don’t Let the Words Healthy Pumpkin Scones Scare You!
I know of someone who this would be a perfect post for, Anita! I’ll be sharing (and pinning)! Great insights as always, my friend!
Thank you, Beth!
Anita Ojeda recently posted…Learn About Yoast SEO for Beginners
My mom is full time care-giver for my dad and I have to make her take time for herself… to go to church and get her hair cut… it’s very important but easy to overlook when someone else’s needs seem to be greater than your own. thanks for your post.
At one point, I was afraid to leave the room, because I didn’t know if he’d be alive when I got back. Some wise friends helped me understand the importance of taking a break now and then. It wasn’t easy, but it was much needed!
Anita Ojeda recently posted…Book Talk Tuesday: Books to Strengthen Your Faith
I watched my mother go through this, I did what I could but there was little help available to her. Compared to all the home visits and rehab an aunt went through, it was like that was nonexistent and closed in on her. The toll was physical, exhaustion. And like you say it takes years for you to recover from someone else. No matter how much you love someone, the nursing home can become an alternative. I am seeing that with a friend who has been caring for her mother. I really will pray for caregivers this month. Great to hear your husband is doing well.
My Aunt was a caregiver for so many years now, I saw her struggles and pain taking care of others rather than taking care of her kids and husband. anw, good read!! I’ll share this to her. Thanks for sharing!!!
Kyra Rodriguez recently posted…Why Dementia Caregivers in Chicago Should Allow Elderly Patients to Foster Animals
I really appreciate all the caregivers because they are not only working for money but they are working for humanity, thanks for sharing the article, though.
Great, Thanks for the amazing guide. I will surely share this guide on social platforms so the other people can learn about it. Keep sharing this kind of good work with us.
Hello Anita. I recently started reading your blog, and I’m enjoying it. Your “improve your health with a hobby” post is my favorite and I loved it; this one is also good and I like your insights. Thanks for sharing.
Alan Yates | The Natural Side recently posted…15 Spiritual Self Care Rituals to Renew Mind & Soul