While I know it’s important to encourage others, I don’t feel very skilled in giving positive affirmations. How can we learn to encourage others when it feels weird?
Every time we encourage others, we benefit ourselves. This month we’ll explore the mental, academic, physical, and spiritual self-care benefits of encouraging those around us.
Falling Behind and Getting Frustrated
“Where are you guys?” Pedro asked.
“Good question,” I answered. I looked around and tried to describe my current location. “We’re at the bottom of that big hill where the trail turns into switchbacks.”
“Yikes. You’ve got five miles left to go.”
“Where are you?”
“The rest of the kids and I have all reached the van.”
“Oh, my. That’s pretty bad.”
“I’ll check the map and see if we can access the trail closer to you. I’ll call back once I know,” Pedro said.
He hung up, and I looked at my watch. This bike ride had started to turn into a nightmare. When we take students riding, Pedro usually stays at the front of the group while I stay at the end of the group, waiting for the stragglers and making sure no one gets hurt.
When we hit a difficult part of the trail, I hang back and think up new blog posts or solve world problems whilst the kids grunt and groan and push their bikes up the trail. Eventually they get far enough ahead so that I can clean the trail without fear of having to stop in a tight spot and end up having to push my bike.
My ringing phone drug me out of my reverie. “Your best bet is to turn right when the trail crosses the logging road,” Pedro informed me. “That will cut two miles off your trip. We’ll get the bikes loaded and wait for you here.”
“Sounds good,” I replied. “Hopefully it doesn’t take us more than an hour. It’ll be dark before long.”
How We Got Into this Pickle
Today’s trip started out normally, but I noticed one young man getting further and further behind.
Two miles into today’s 9.5-mile trip, one young man ran out of water. I had a small bottle of frozen water I moved to a side pocket where it would melt more quickly. Each time he asked for water, I would stop and share the melted water with him.
Three miles into the trip, he hopped off his bike and sat on the ground. “Did you eat your granola bar already?” I asked him. He had. I grabbed another one from my pack and tossed it to him. “Eat some of this,” I told him, “it will build your energy up.”
Four miles into the trip, he alternated between pushing his bike fifteen feet, sitting on the ground for two minutes and riding fifty feet before he took another break. “Have you ever gone on a mountain bike ride before?” I asked him. He shook his head no. “Well, in that case, you’re doing an awesome job!” I assured him. “The first time out can be rough!” His sad face stared at me with unblinking eyes.
Experiment with Encouragement
In situations like this, I never know what to do. Did he want an audience for his agony, or did he need encouragement to just keep on slogging along the trail? I felt frustrated by his lack of progress, so I decided to experiment by staying out of sight behind him. He continued to hop off his bike every 50 feet or so, and his resting periods got longer and longer. The sum total of his conversation included two words: “I’m thirsty!”
At this rate, we wouldn’t reach the others until well after dark. I tried riding in front of him, but he quickly fell out of sight and I had to stop over and over again to wait for him. In addition, I didn’t feel comfortable having him out of sight behind me.
While I enjoy words of affirmation, I don’t feel adequate when it comes time to encourage others. But I needed to try something different. Obviously, my stay-behind or get-ahead tactics didn’t work. I decided to try something new, even if it didn’t feel natural.
Instead of getting way behind or way ahead, I kept about 30 feet behind him. Each time it looked like he wanted to stop, I would praise him. “Great job on riding over that rough spot!” I called out. “Keep up the good work!”
Our pace picked up slightly. I heard water sloshing in my bottle, so I said, “Hey! Some more water has melted. Would you like some?” When we stopped, I explained the trail numbering system and told him how to figure out the remaining distance.
Each time we passed a numbered marker, I would give him the remaining distance. At our next break, he said, “So we have seven quarters left to go, right?” He even smiled when he said it.
The Power of Affirmations
Once we hit the logging road, I sprinted ahead to see how far we had to go to reach the parking area. When I crested a small rise, I could see the vehicles and the rest of the group milling around. I circled back to my student, who had once again started pushing his bicycle, and said, “We’re almost there! You can make it!”
He hopped on his bike and raced off whilst I leisurely turned my bicycle and headed back. I briefly thought about sprinting to the finish but decided to let him show up first.
The other kids cheered for him when he reached the parking lot, and my chest filled with pride and gratitude. I loved how the other students had joined in affirming him.
Later on, whilst grabbing a bite to eat at Taco Bell, I overhead a group of kids talking. “Mr. Ojeda beat me by this much!” one of them said, as he demonstrated the gap of an arm’s length.
“Well, I beat Mrs. Ojeda!” my little buddy exclaimed. The kids gave him a high-five and patted him on the back.
A few minutes later, one of the group turned to me and quietly stated, “That’s because you chose to stay behind, isn’t it, Mrs. Ojeda?”
I smiled mysteriously in reply. My heart melted that the young man would be perceptive enough to ask his question quietly and to affirm me in the process.
Ways to Encourage Others When it Feels Awkward
1. People need different kinds of encouragement.
Some people need verbal encouragement like my mountain biking buddy. Others prefer it when you simply come alongside of them. We need to become students of those around us and figure out what makes them feel encouraged.
2. Encourage others with honesty.
Some of my students have adopted a failure script. They have no idea the power of their minds to help them achieve great things. But they do know when someone offers false praise. I had to make sure to give honest affirmations—otherwise, they wouldn’t have worked.
3. Remember to praise the product and encourage the person.
By praising his progress (making it over a rough spot or staying on his bike instead of pushing it), I let my student know I saw the changes he had made. I encouraged him to keep going, but I didn’t associate his progress (or lack of progress) with him as a person. We can help others overcome failure scripts when we affirm their progress and encourage them. This allows them to see themselves as someone who can learn.
4. Others take cues from you.
We have a culture of encouragement on our mountain bike rides. I often hear Pedro leading out in the cheers and encouragement as kids make it up difficult spots. Our students don’t come from homes where encouragement and affirmations play a part in their lives, but how quickly they catch on and share their skills with others.
If I Encourage Others, How Will it Help Me Take Care of Myself?
That day I discovered why my decision to encourage others made my life better. Instead of falling into a frustrated funk about our lack of progress, I chose to reach out and do something for someone else.
By taking my thoughts and actions captive, I discovered I avoided stressing myself out in a situation that could have brought on a tension headache. Focusing on helping someone else succeed actually helped me.
Mental self-care means when we find ourselves getting frustrated by a situation, we take the time to ask ourselves how we can encourage others to turn the situation into something less stressful.
By doing so, we bless ourselves and others. Four years later, my little buddy is taller than me and always rides at the front of the pack. Have you ever found yourself in a similar situation where you discovered the power of encouraging others?How learning to encourage others is a form of mental self-care. #stress #affirmations #selfcare Click To Tweet
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I don’t always know how to affirm people verbally, either. But I have seen that different ones respond better to different approaches. Good point to praise progress and not discourage the person.
Barbara Harper recently posted…Rejoice…with Trembling?
Operating from a mindset of abundance frees us to pour out encouragement and appreciation for the people in our lives. Great reminder!
Michele Morin recently posted…Let Truth Kindle Your Flame of Passionate Hope
Anita, what a wonderful post! I really enjoyed reading about this biking adventure and how you managed to find the appropriate way to encourage this individual student. I remember when I was a high school swim coach, there were many times when the coaches would defer to each other if one of the swimmers just didn’t seem to be understanding something. If I found myself failing at explaining something or offering encouraging words, I would just go to another coach and ask them to rephrase what I was trying to convey. That was generally all it took…a fresh perspective, a slight rephrasing of words, and a different way of explaining whatever the message was, and the athlete would generally get it. The way in which we need to be encouraged is so individualized to each of us that one person cannot effectively encourage every other person…just more evidence to show how much the human species really does need community!
Anita, this is such a good post and applicable to any situation. It was the third point which spoke to me. It is important to that we not associate progress (or lack of progress) to the person. We are all constantly learning and that is key in encouraging those around me. We are not all at the same point in our progress or life journey.
PS – I have a hard time seeing you as struggling in offering encouraging words. You always come across as an encourager in my thoughts 🙂
Anita, fresh insight here. I like how you point out encouragement/praise must be honest and that your students know when it’s false. They have radars that know these kinds of things. 🙂 But others may have the same discernment. If praise and encouragement should be anything, it’s authentic and from the heart!
Karen Friday recently posted…I’m Not Ashamed of the Gospel or My Faith
I can remember taking field trips with kids on bikes. I usually had the same job as you – riding in the back of the pack so no stragglers got lost. I love how you make the distinction – praise the product and encourage the person. Great advice!
Laurie recently posted…Choosing Confidence. And Embarrassing My Children
Hi Anita … My love language is words of affirmation and so it was interesting to see where you’re coming from …
Linda Stoll recently posted…Got Pandemic Brain? Try These 7 Things.
Dear Anita, this is such a great post! And among other things, you are so right that we are not all gifted in exhortation, but we are called to lift one another up. This is especially true in the school setting. I’m sure you already know that encouragement can look and sound differently in different cultures. When I was thrust into a predominantly Black urban culture, I encouraged students like I always had in suburban and rural cultures. That scored a big fat zero! Once I learned how my students wanted to be encouraged our relationships took a major turn for the better. Thanks for sharing one of life’s most important lessons!
Alice Walters recently posted…Road to the Cross: Options
Encouraging people doesn’t always come easily to me. But I have been working on it. It is amazing what a kind word or small act of service can do to encourage someone!
Rebecca Hastings recently posted…Quick Prayers for When You Don’t Know What to Say to God
What a great topic to explore! I would never have thought of it yet encouragement to be encouraging is a something the world needs a lot more of.
Lauren Renee Sparks recently posted…New Waze for Reading God’s Word (and No, That’s Not a Typo)
Words of affirmation are so important. We also must make sure that we are not using off-handed negative comments in this process. Or said another way, don’t tear people down to make others feel like they are worthy of such praise.
Barb Hegreberg recently posted…The Character of God Word Study
I love this, Anita. It reminds me how we are called to serve. It’s in service our hearts sour, not in the grumbling that only causes frustration. (I accidentally hit the wrong link in the Inspire Me Monday email and guess may have become unsubscribed, however prefer not to be if possible!)
Lynn recently posted…IWSG-Why do you read what you read?
Anita, I love how you always have a lesson to be had and life examples to go along. When you said ” People need different kinds of encouragement.” You made me have an Ah-Huh 💡 moment. While I am quick to offer up encouragement to others, it never occurred to me that some people may need ” different” kinds of encouragement. Blessings.
Paula Short recently posted…Green is like….
Anita, first, this post made me tear up a bit. There are times when we must set aside our own agendas and emotions and be intentional about encouraging others. I love how you did that for your “little buddy.” It obviously made a difference in his life. Thanks for the reminder to take my eyes off myself and look at how I can come alongside others.
I absolutely loved this story, Anita. You must be a very popular teacher.
There was a time I taught young boys too and it was very rewarding. It’s amazing what a little affirmation can do for a young soul.
Thank you for the inspirational reminder !
Corinne Rodrigues recently posted…Every Yes Changes Something In Me
I love this post Anita! This encouraged me!
Tea With Jennifer recently posted…Forgiving the Unthinkable